God Breathed New Life Into Me

By Jean Cheng

Hello from Singapore, STAY:)

Been hearing and reading about all the amazing things that has been happening at STAY and am in constant awe of what God is doing!

Hope that I can drop by STAY one day when I visit Melbourne again, 

See old friends and the many new STAY brothers and sisters .=)

Jack has been asking me to share my farewell testimony that I shared in Melbourne last year and I will (Sorry Jack! It will happen! :P), 

In the meantime, I would like to share my Baptism by the Holy Spirit on 9 Feb 2014.

I went for a talk yesterday by Maria Vadia, from USA.

I heard about how effective she is in bringing the Holy Spirit close to the people,

And the miraculous healings that she administers in Christ’s name.

But I went not expecting anything,

Just hoping that perhaps through listening to her,

My wearied heart would find some revival to keep me going on this thesis journey.

Some of you might know that I’ve been quite down in the last few years.

It’s as though a cloud of heaviness, dysphoria, and depressive state came over me.

Accompanying that, I’ve lost my sociable nature and energy I used to have around people.

There are moments of respite and it has been getting slightly better,

But more often that not,

The heaviness remains.

And I’ve never quite felt the same as I used to.

Somehow living each day has been an effortful process compared to what it was many years ago.

One of the things we are called to do as Christians is to bring the good news and share the joy that we have with those who do not know Christ.

It is through our joy, that others might then be curious about the source of our joy.

I felt deeply ashamed that for the “strong Christian” I appear to be to others and to myself,

Joy was probably only 10% of my life.

Worries, despair, and fears 90%.

It was quite disheartening to know that even after 8 years of following Christ,

This is where I am at.

But what has always kept me going is that such judgments, I knew, came from my own pride,

Not from God.

In His eyes, I am but a baby.

He doesn’t think more or less of who I am today,

As compared to who I was before I knew Him personally,

Or even 10 years down the road when I’m hopefully even closer to Him.

If anything, He just sees each day as it is:

A brand new day to love and help me.

With that said, I want to have a spirit of joy to glorify Him,

so that has been my recent prayer.

A few days ago,

I was walking and wearing my usual glum face.

And I thought back to some moments in my past when God came to me powerfully (i.e., I knew without a doubt that God is real and close to me).

It has been so long since I have experienced Him that way.

And I judged myself as weak for asking this,

But I asked anyway –

I asked God to pour out new life into me,

To come to me powerfully,

To grip my heart once more,

To revitalize me.

I didn’t think much of that prayer (which felt more like a thought)…

… until what happened yesterday.

From the moment praise and worship began,

I was in tears… tears of despair, of weariness, of darkness, of loneliness.

When Maria started talking,

I started judging her and raising an eyebrow.

She spoke in such a “GOD CAN DO THIS. GOD CAN DO THAT” manner,

That I was like… erm… ok this feels like one of those seminars for positive thinking.

But what kept my heart still open was that she was sharing testimonies of God’s healing and saving power over people.

Somehow, I believed that she wasn’t lying about those.

Her presentation style might not be something that appealed to me,

But the evidence for her faith and convictions, I believed.

After sharing, she started to pray over us and people started to be healed – physically.

“There is a young woman in those room with problems with her right ovaries… God is healing you right now… claim it… where is this woman?”

One hand raised. 

That’s when my eyes widened.

That is just but one example.

Then she asked people who hadn’t had a personal relationship with Jesus to come forward (even if they have been baptized, they might not know who Jesus is).

And she said 3-4 people in this room at least.

My goodness.

3-4 people went up.

I wanted to go up too… not because I didn’t know Him personally,

But I don’t know… I was hungering for something.

Yet I knew that it wasn’t my invitation.

Then she asked people who haven’t been baptised by the Holy Spirit to go up.

And I wondered whether that meant me.

I have gone through confirmation (Catholic Church’s rite of baptism by the Holy Spirit) but I’ve always doubted my confirmation for boring reasons I shall not delve into here.

I continued to sit down, however.

Partly because I wasn’t sure whether or not I have been baptized by the Holy Spirit,

But mostly because I was afraid of what people might think of me if I went up.

I was afraid people would think, “WHAT? Jean who is supposed to be spiritually strong hasn’t even been baptized by the Holy Spirit?”.

My vanity and pride kept me sitting,

Meanwhile, something was tugging at my heart,

There was a desire to go up.

And I knew from experience that such heart - tugging is usually from God.

Yet, pride (i.e., fear of being thought as less) kept me sitting.

Until Maria said, “Have all of you been baptised by the Holy Spirit? Can all of you speak in tongues?”

That’s when I knew that I could no longer deny the tugging in my heart.

I have been praying and asking for the gift of tongues for 8 years now.

I’ve always wondered why God never gave me this gift,

While it came easily to some others.

I wondered if I was not open enough to Him.

At times I believed that it will happen in His time.

At other times, I believed that it will happen for others,

But not me.

(Sometimes when you wait for something for so long and it still hasn’t happened,

You want to know why and when no explanation is given,

You start to come up with reasons for it.

For me, those reasons often become self-attacks,

Such as having to do with some badness or impurity inherent in me.

But faith kept me still hoping that God will one day give it to me too.)

So when she said that,

I felt that was my invitation.

I went up immediately.

Between my desire to look good and my desire for the gift of tongues,

I choose the latter.

Up there, I still didn’t quite like her style and how she prayed over people.

People around me were getting slained when she prayed over them,

And when she prayed over me I felt her push me!

And I was thinking “!!! You push me!?"

So I stood my ground and refused to fall unless I knew for sure that it was God and not her who made me fall.

I didn’t fall.

I didn’t feel anything. 

I went back to my seat thinking, "okay, I don’t have the gift. 

Oh well. 

Back to square one.

No loss I guess."

  

But then she called us back up again saying we have the gift of tongues and the Holy Spirit in us.

And we have to practice speaking in tongues.

I was like, “NOOOOOO! That is so embarrassing!”

What if people are looking at me and I look spastic?!

And in any case, what was I supposed to do?

Make the same sounds she was making?

I didn’t want to just imitate her.

But at this point she said we all speak tongues in our own unique language with God.

And everyone’s is different.

And that made me feel that okay… I can be me.

I don’t have to imitate anyone.

I was curious enough to want to know what my own language of tongues would sound like.

And so, feeling self-conscious and silly,

I started to just say “alleluia” over and over again,

And she told us not to think but to focus on God with our hearts…

And so I did and after awhile... 

Yes. 

My mouth and my tongue took a life of its own and I was no longer saying alleluia.

It was going in all directions and I was crying (no longer out of despair and dysphoria but in awe of the sacredness and holiness of the space I was in).

The more I focused on God,

The faster and more vigorous my prayers in tongue went.

When she made us pray over each other in our new language,

The more I focused on the person I was praying before me,

The faster my tongue went and I couldn’t stop crying…..

….Me.

Jean.

After 8 years.

I have finally received the gift of tongues and used it to pray over someone.

And just when I thought that this gift was incredible already,

She suddenly asked for my name and said she had a prophesy for me.

She said I will go around testifying and talking about God to people,

And I will travel nations doing that.

Her words shot through my heart and moved me to more crying (yes, more).

Because whenever people ask me what my career or passion is,

I know that I love psychology and want to do it.

But if you ask me what my deepest deepest desire is,

It is to speak about God to people, to testify to Him.

AND to travel to different countries to do that.

I don’t even know why the travelling is a part of this desire but it has always been.

Yet, with the PhD these last few years,

As well as an impending marriage and thoughts of “settling down”,

I buried that dream, and thought of focusing on the “practicalities of life”.

(And don't get me wrong,

there is nothing less but everything sacred and beautiful about the daily routine of life that many of us have been called to- 

if we have been called to it.)

To justify why testifying and travelling wouldn’t happen,

I told myself that maybe I was being impure and vain when I dreamt it.

But all this time, even as I fell in love with psychology,

If anyone asked me what my deepest passion was, 

it was exactly that which this woman who did not know me proclaimed.

I went into the talk,

Rather empty, lost, and soul-less.

I came out not just with a gift of tongues but with a vigour and passion that I used to have when I allowed myself to dream this dream.

It was as if God was not only reassuring me that this dream is good,

But reminding me that the key to my joy is to follow my heart’s deepest longing.

I don’t know how it is going to happen.

But I have faith that at the right time,

Certain doors will close and certain doors will open.

May I entrust and grow closer in discerning His voice in my life.

Meantime, I will finish this thesis.

I don’t know how,

I am most likely engaging in some positive-talk now to psyche myself,

But it will happen.

Because God is with me. 

And together, we will live my heart’s dreams.

“So if anyone is a new creature in Christ, what is old has passed away.

Behold, all things have been made new.” (2 Corinthians 5: 17)

P.s. Please keep me in your prayers.

For while I am renewed in strength,

The cross remains and I will need much prayers and support to get to the finishing line.

Although I am convicted,

Doubts will come and there will be days where I will be weak and need to be carried by your faith to dispel those lies.

At the end of my life,

I know that who I am will not be by my own making,

But by the making, giving and love of God and the people around me.

May my life be nothing but a testimony that God is real, good, 

and that with the same love He has for me,  

He has for every person in this world.