This “Talking to the Lord” Business

by Pat Pagulayan

I love to write. I see writing as an outlet for my thoughts, reasoning (or lack thereof), and my deepest and innermost feelings. I have always written based on my emotions, especially on periods of loneliness, angst, and sorrow. For me, writing was just my mere struggle against silence.

Until recently, when I began to make a conscious effort of taking this journey towards God, have I started to view writing as a “relational bridge that Jesus can walk across” from my heart to others. I started writing about my faith journey, in the hope that one day, I can read back and extract something worthwhile from my day-to-day journey towards Christ.

Below you will find an entry I have written in my journal way back September 2013, when I have just started to embark on this journey. In fact, this is the night when I first tried “talking to the Lord” (aka praying). It took me quite a while to share it here for the fear of looking silly. But, who knows, someone out there might be going through this same journey and this is my little way of saying, “don’t worry, you have not gone crazy, and you are definitely not alone!”

So here it goes:

September 26, 2013 – AM

Today is the first day I actually “spoke” to the Lord. Not that I would say it was an actual conversation because basically, I was the one doing all the talking, and as usual, I never listen. It may be because I cannot shut my brain down, or it could be that I am simply stubborn.

Having been awake for 36hrs yesterday, it was strange that I found myself awake at 5:27am this morning. I tried to get more sleep but I couldn’t, so I decided that maybe I should give this “talking to the Lord” a try. All these years, I thought I have been talking to the Lord, but it is just inside my head (which usually ends up as cluttered thoughts of talking to Him then thinking of something else), so having to actually “say it out loud” is something I haven’t tried yet. Honestly, it felt weird – really weird. In my head I was thinking, why am I even bothering saying it out loud to Him when He already knows what’s in my head anyway. But after a while, I just found myself talking, then sobbing, then laughing, then talking again. I thought, if someone saw me right now, they’d think I’m crazy.

I discovered that I have a lot of questions. Within minutes of talking, I found myself asking for a lot of help, and then feeling guilty for asking. There was a point when I even thought I’m being abusive because I’m asking for too many things even though He has given me a lot of blessings already. I felt guilty that I’m asking Him a lot despite me not being a good daughter to Him.

Reflecting on what transpired, one hindrance that I have noticed is that I am unable to empty my head when talking to Him.

I kept on thinking one thought after another, so I asked Him to help me clear my head.

I kept getting distracted by my thoughts, so I also asked for focus.

And then there were doubts within myself on whether or not what I’m saying to Him is just coming from my head and not from my heart, so I asked Him to grant me a sincere heart.

I asked Him to help me really want to do this, to make me really want to go back to Him, to make me really desire to change my ways. I also asked Him for help to just make me shut up and listen – I really, really, really need to learn how to listen, and not just to listen, but to discern His voice from the rest of my cluttered brain. And I asked for a LOT more other things.

And then I begged. This was actually quite difficult for me because this is the part when I acknowledged that He can simply take away all that I have with just one snap. I find it shameful, but I actually asked Him to please not take away the three most important things in my life right now: my family, my job, and my health, as I undergo this process. I know it sounds bad, like I’m telling Him what He shouldn’t do. But I don’t know, I guess I just spoke out what was in my heart that moment, and honestly, those are the words that came out. My goodness, I’m not really sure if I’m doing this “talking to the Lord” properly.

And then I thanked Him. I thanked Him for not taking the things that are important to me just yet, especially during those times when I thought I was at my lowest point/s. Maybe He knows that if He took those things away during those times, I’d probably end up in a mental asylum. I don’t know. I still have a lot of things to change with the way I think about Him and His love. If there was one thing I forgot to ask, it is probably the desire to get to know Him more.

I honestly feel quite bad after, because it felt like I talked to Him to ask Him for a lot of things and I’m not even doing anything in return. I guess this “talking to the Lord” is a learning process and I just have to keep on doing it and praying for the Holy Spirit to guide me through this. It is a process that I am willing to learn. This time, I’m in this for the long run. I know that I have already failed twice. Hopefully third time’s the charm, because this time, I’m doing something different. This time, I am asking for His help as I go through this. Being the person full of pride that I am, I’ve always thought that I could do this on my own, maybe that’s why I failed before. But this time, it is now or never! This is it! It’s either do or die! No turning back! You’re in this for the long run – so help me God.

P.S.

I just realised I bought so many self-help books in the past year when maybe all that I should be reading and trying to understand is His Word.

End.