Purpose Driven Life – Day 23: How We Grow

By Pat Pagulayan

I would oftentimes feel like I have not been growing in terms of faith. I feel as if I’m stuck and not moving away from my self-centredness. And it is during these times that I get quite grumpy and impatient with God. I ask “why am I not progressing”, “why can’t I just get rid of my selfishness”, “I want to give my heart to You completely, why can’t You just change my heart now”.

Oh dear, so impatient.

This reminded me of the reason why Jesus called fishermen to be His disciples: because fishermen know how to wait.

Ouch.

In the end, it all boils down to making a “choice”. Choosing to wait, choosing to change my old ways, choosing to think of others first before myself. In the midst of making those choices, is faith and hope that somehow the Holy Spirit is working in me.

Purpose Driven Life – Day 17: A Place to Belong

By Pat Pagulayan

When I was (accidentally) chosen to be cell group leader, I was quite hesitant. If there is one thing I have learned from my past, it is that leadership brought out the worst in me, not just once, twice, or thrice, but a LOT of times. It was so bad and repetitive that I have been avoiding taking leadership roles for 10 years now. So when I was asked to lead cell group, all I could think of was “uh-oh, I can’t mess up this time, not with my spiritual family, not with StAY”.

And so I did what a confused and doubtful woman would do: I prayed about it. And in my prayer my Lord told me that whatever happens, He will walk with Me. And that was all I need to know.

As I look back at it now, I guess He was trying to tell me that this is not high school; this is my spiritual family, and thus, I should not be afraid. He provided me with the best place to overcome my doubts and fears, to change my ways under the guidance of the fellowship that we have. It is the classroom to learn how to get along with others (which I’m very poor at), to unlearn selfishness, to share the experiences of others, and to practice love. God has given me another opportunity to learn how to be a leader by first being a servant, to learn how to put myself last.

I feel so blessed and grateful to God that He introduced these people to my life. I am especially grateful to God for my spiritual mentor, who has re-introduced the Father into my life and still painstakingly walks with me in my journey. He has tolerated my qualms, bitterness, obsession, mood-swings, anger, immaturity, questions, doubts, craziness, and childish ways (among others). I still don’t know how he does it. God’s grace, he always tells me.

Honestly, I find myself very dependent on these people spiritually. It sometimes makes me feel sad because I feel so inadequate not being able to stand up with my own two feet. Some of them are even younger than me, but they are the ones who are guiding me. It makes me wish that I should have known God earlier in my life (instead of living in sin) so I would be more mature in my faith by now. But nothing is ever late in God’s time.

I was talking to one of my StAY sisters about how bluntly we can tell each other off and not take it in a bad way. Unlike my earthly friendships, when one of us goes against the other or tells another off, it’s definitely “friendship’s over”. Back then, it’s “either you’re with me or against me”. It just makes me laugh reminiscing how shallow my perception of friendship was.

With the spiritual family I have here, they are brutally honest with me, even to the point that I would feel very hurt and cry. But I know that they do it, not because they want to condemn me or put me down, but because they love me and they only want the best for me – to be the person that God wants me to be.

It is through these men and women that I feel God’s love for me (among His other ways).

Purpose Driven Life – Day 3: What Drives Your Life?

By Pat Pagulayan

“I want to be a health-buff, money-smart, independent woman.”

This is what I wrote more than a year ago on my “Self Improvement” file. I said to myself, this is going to be my purpose, my goal, my vision for myself. I was in the gym for probably more hours than what was considered healthy, took dance, combat, tennis classes, joined a business venture, travelled, and took up my Masters among other things. From an outsider’s point of view, I was living the life. But deep inside something was badly missing - I felt empty, I felt unsettled.

Then I started asking: I had a purpose and was successfully doing everything to achieve it, where can I possibly go wrong?

Well, obviously, as I eventually realised, it is because God was not in the picture.

In saying so, even if I would like to believe that now God is in the picture, living a purpose-driven life is not a straightforward thing. It doesn’t necessarily follow that once you focus your purpose on God, there will no longer be any confusion nor is it a guarantee that you will no longer feel empty. Primarily I think one way or the other, there are still other things that drives our life such as fear, need for approval, resentment, and guilt, and it is only through God’s constant help and love that we will be able to let the purpose that God has for us to drive our lives.

Purpose Driven Life – Day 1: It All Starts with God

By Pat Pagulayan

"It’s not about you.”

Boom. That is the very first line of the first paragraph of the first chapter for the first day of this 40-day spiritual journey. And oh man, did it hit me hard.

Because I know I am selfish, self-centred, egoistic, or whatever you may call it. It is the sin of the flesh that haunts me and makes me question the motive of every single thing I do - yes, even ministry. Am I really doing it for God? Or am I doing it for myself? It sends shivers down my spine, even to admit that I have these questions in my head. I can only hope in the Lord that He is continually changing my heart so that I may decrease for Him and for others to increase.

I have never seriously thought about what my purpose in this world is. Primarily because I have just been focused on ME: to get a good job, be married by 27, provide grandchildren to my parents, retire early, and live comfortably. All about self.

Until I came to a point where I had that job, I had the perfect boyfriend, I was living comfortably. Everything seemed perfect and on track! But I didn’t have God, and without Him in one’s life, things will crumble, as I eventually and painfully realised.

And so the self-centred me resorted to self-help books (mind you, I bought 4 “rule” books in one go). But as a great man of God made me realise, the ultimate rule book is God’s Rule Book, the Owner’s Manual, the BIBLE. And so my journey began. A journey of self-awareness, self-denial, and just being transformed by God to be the woman He intended me to be.