By Jean Cheng
‘Love one another; just as I have loved you… by this love you have for one another, everyone will know that you are my disciples’ (John 13: 34-35).
I recently read a reflection pertaining to the verse above: “It is clear that the disciple of Christ is not primarily an individual person but an inter-person. I am defined as a disciple not by how I individually behave, by my personal moral life, but by how I interact with other people. He solitary Christian is a contradiction in terms because the Christian is only to be measured by the way he/she loves and that love, by definition, involves other people. I am my relationships.” (www.sacredspace.ie)
That reflection struck me because I often feel that I am best at following Christ alone. Alone where I am not hurt/disappointed and reacting unlovingly as a result. Alone because I am so aware of my sinfulness and the ways I will disappoint others. Alone because at least when I'm alone, the chances of wounding another and being wounded by the other are reduced such that I have more energy, capacity, and stillness within to listen to Christ.
Of course, you can try worshipping God alone and staying away from people and you will be happy initially. But soon, you will feel lonely. You will desire to be in the presence of others. You will desire connection with another person. That's how I feel. And there is always an incredible sense of awe and joy I get whenever I fellowship with others. When it is no longer I coming to God but WE coming to God, then my joy is no longer my own but shared with others. Then their joy is no longer their own but shared with me. Like that, our joy is multiplied. Exponentially.
Then there will again come a time when being in community with others hurts. When we are not in the best of moods, when we disappoint each other, when we say things we don't mean, when we get angry with each other, when we become suspicious of each other, when we hate ourselves for being the way we are and making others upset. In those moments, again, it seems like we cannot be with others. In those moments, again, it seems like I am condemned to be alone.
But what if we don't just have two choices: alone or in community? What if there is no permanent state of being? Instead, life is actually a rhythm of alone time and time with others? Like the waves that come toward the shore and retreat back into the ocean, what if we too have our moments of running to others to be together and running away in order to contemplate alone? What if this is the rhythm that God created us for?
Maybe then I will be less harsh on myself when I need my time alone. Maybe then instead of calling myself selfish, too wounded to be with others, or any other labels, I can just rest and know that this time is part of me loving others. After all, in order for me to work, I need to eat and sleep. So in order for me to be others, I need to rest alone. In order for me to love, I need to let God love me. If the purpose of being alone is so that I can later love in relationships, then I am already loving others by being alone at the moment. I am loving others in both seasons.
The time will come when the waves will lead me to others again. Maybe then when I am with others too I will be less harsh on myself in thinking I need to be "always nurturing" and "always loving" - states that are unsustainable. Maybe then I will allow myself to love (i.e., do my best to be a blessing) and be loved (receive others) and in times when I am struggling, I can allow myself to take time out to recover so that I can return again when I am better. Maybe then I will also love others by allowing them to experience their own need to rest and recover, and know that it is not "selfish" or "weak" to do so, it is actually human and loving to rest.
‘Love one another; just as I have loved you… by this love you have for one another, everyone will know that you are my disciples’ (John 13: 34-35). What if God loves me by inviting me to accept this rhythm I find myself in and know that through it all, I am loving because I choose love in both seasons? Through it all, God is loving because He is with me.
