The Proposal

By Jean Cheng

1^st of June, 2013. The man I love told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and asked me if I would allow him to. Where do I even begin to describe what I am feeling deep within me?

Overwhelmed is probably the word that captures it. Overwhelmed that as much as there is a small voice in me that says I am unworthy of such love, the world seems to keep pouring out such love to me anyway, forcing me to receive the truth that worthy or not – it doesn’t matter – I am deeply loved. I am deeply loved. I am deeply loved.

I am deeply loved by God. I told God that if and when Marcus proposed, I needed a special thing from God… I needed God to also propose to me. I told God, “Let me know that BOTH of you are proposing.” I want Marcus AND God. After all, this relationship has always been one that involves the three of us. It has never been just Marcus and I working at our relationship, but always God working at it with us. Often, it takes those moments when we have been consumed by our fears and worn out from trying to fix each other and ourselves, that we see God’s presence most. Time and time again, God has shown up and reassured us that He is with us. Time and time again, God has reassured us that it is not just me choosing Marcus, or Marcus choosing me, it is also God choosing us. (This is particularly clear to me considering how I was previously in a relationship where my ex and I sought God too but God always felt absent there). So how would God propose to me? I didn’t know but I told God that I didn’t want to make up things in my head to make myself believe that God proposed too, I wanted to know deep in my heart that God was proposing. And God, being God, would know how to grip my heart.

So on June 1, my two good friends told me they were taking me on a birthday pilgrimage around the churches where we would pray together. This made sense because as friends would say, “Jean likes this kind of things”. And I have never done a birthday pilgrimage before, so I was pretty psyched and excited to have friends wanting to do this for me. We met at the first church, St Francis, and they prayed the rosary for me. Then they said the next stop would be my parish church, St Augustine’s church. So off we went. When we reached St Augustine’s, they asked me to close my eyes. I thought “WHY!! Is it because there is a group of people in church with a birthday cake ready to shout surprise?!!!!” Haha… so stupid. 

When I opened my eyes, I saw the roses on the floor shaped in a heart shape and was like erm…… that’s abit weird. I mean it didn’t make sense that two girls would romance me that way. Then they passed me a book and when I opened it, there were pictures of Marcus and I as well as a message and story unfolding. This was followed by a video played on the church wall, which captured our memories. It ended off with a video of Marcus playing the violin then it stopped. I was alone in church.

I turned around, and from the back of the church, Marcus (he was not supposed to be in Melbourne yet!) walked in and continued the song with the violin all the way till he got to the front, knelt down, and asked me the four words, “Will you marry me?”. I said yes, and as we hugged, it suddenly dawned upon me…

… Marcus was kneeling down at the same spot that I had knelt down 4 years ago, completely broken at the death of my previous relationship and the death of a dream that God would actually bless me with my dream of a marriage and a family life – a dream I have had before any other dream, probably since the age of 4.

4 years ago, on that same spot, people were praying over me while I wept uncontrollably. There, I received 2 messages. First, “God wants you to know that He will bless you with the man who is EVERYTHING that your heart desires”. When I heard the word “everything”, it shot through my heart – as though God was truly affirming me that He is not a stingy God, He is a generous one, one who can do the IMPOSSIBLE, and one who WANTS to do the impossible for me.

My next thought was, “But how can this be? I have done my best at being the perfect gf and still, it is not enough. I am not good enough to ever be in a relationship”. At this, I received my second message: “All you need to do is to keep your eyes on God”. Again this message shot through my heart and moved me to tears of relief and joy. I did not know how to be in a successful relationship, but I knew how to keep my eyes on God. It was as if God was telling me that what I was on the right path. I just needed to continue and wait, don’t give up. I have always remembered these words whenever my relationship with Marcus has been shaken with testing and tribulations. Always, when I looked at God, God helped us. Always, He reminded me that “Fear not. I am HERE – in THIS relationship with you and Marcus. It is our relationship. Three in one”.

So when Marcus proposed on that very spot where I was broken and received God’s promise and hope, it was like God saying, “See, I am true to my word. I can do ALL things. And blessed is she who believes that the promise made her by the Lord will be fulfilled. (Luke 1: 45)”. I don’t think Marcus would have ever known the significance of that spot. That part was from God. God proposed.

But it is not just God who loves me, but a man – who naturally has human weaknesses – who still chooses to love me and want me over and over again, in spite of the human struggles. This man is one who loves, cherishes, honours, and protects me in a way that no one has or can (given the unique nature of a romantic relationship) – in a way that constantly brings heaven’s love to me.

He spent so much time and effort to make this day so special and romantic for me (knowing how much I love to be romanced:P), despite his long and hectic work hours. I can’t believe all that he went through for… me. A part of me feels so unworthy of such love, but the fact that Marcus did all that for me is his way of telling me and fighting against my doubts to show me that I am worthy in his eyes.

When I think about how Marcus has been to me in the last 3 years of our relationship, I realize that I have said yes to living my life with a man described in Ephesians 5: 26-28. These are not just words, but flesh in Marcus. Can it really be possible that such a man exists? Yes, I believe that everyone can be such a man, it’s a choice – but it’s not an easy choice to make. Yet, over and over again, Marcus chooses to make a choice to be such a man for me. Being with him, I find myself living a life more and more fully every single day. 

Earlier, I said God chose that spot to propose to me. As for Marcus, he chose to propose to me in St Augustine’s, my parish church. The church that has seen me though the ups and downs of my life in the last 8 years. He chose to propose in front of the tabernacle, in the presence of God, Mother Mary, the angels and the saints. This is a man who knows what my heart desires – my heavenly family. This is a man who knows what is most important and meaningful for me. This is a man who knows me. I am marrying and spending the rest of my life with a man who KNOWS me. And this man, knowing me for all that I am – my strengths and my weaknesses – wants to hold my hand for the rest of his life. It is so scary and yet he wants me not just for the moment, but for eternity. Words fail to describe how blessed, lucky, and excited I am. 

I am deeply loved too by my family and friends who are soooooooo happy for me and celebrating with me. I feel so humbled that I am loved THIS much. Overwhelming. I feel like I better understand why we are called to live as one body – because when part of the body is hurting, the other parts hurt along with it; when one part rejoices, the other rejoices with it. Previously sharing my sorrows with others helped lighten my load and made the sufferings slightly sweeter to bear. Now, sharing my joy with all my loved ones, I really really really feel my joy multiplied exponentially. Thank you all so much for being my companions in my journey, for reminding that sad or happy, I am never alone.

“Happy is she who believed that the promise made her by the Lord would be fulfilled.” (Luke 1: 45) Yes Lord, you are a faithful God who offers life to the fullest (John 10:10). Like my Mother, all I can say is, “My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord; my spirit rejoices in God my savior. For he has looked upon his lowly handmaid. The Mighty One has done great things for me, and Holy is His name” (Luke 1: 46-49). My life is yours, God, and entrusted to you, Marcus.

May our prayer be that it is always be Marcus, Holy Spirit, Jean for now and eternity. =)

P.s. Our stories of God are uniquely our stories of God. For those of you who are struggling in your stories at this very moment, no words can even begin to speak of the pain and sufferings you currently bear. I truly pray that your God will show you how He is YOUR living God and how much He loves you. Till then, may He carry you with His comfort and love all the days of your life.