Praise You in This Storm

By Jean Cheng

PhD. 

Brief moments of respite,

Overtaken by incessant roadblocks and frustration. 

Whenever I have thought that I could breathe and run,

Again, I find myself facing another mountain that forces me to climb with all fours on the ground.

Perhaps it is in my mind,

Perhaps I am exaggerating.

Whatever it is this is by far one of the most prolonged torture I've experienced in my life. I am still waiting, still waiting on other peoples' schedules.
To do a PhD is to be a beggar - just a clean one.  

The other day I attended mass and, as is often the case, was present only physically.

When I knelt to pray,

I found myself in mindless chantings of "help me, help me, please help me".

As my mouth continued chanting that,

My mind asked me what on earth I was doing.

Why was I praying as though this was some kind of wishing well;

As if I do not know the One to whom I am praying to personally?

As if my God is a set of rules (keep begging to get the outcome you desire),

as opposed to a relationship (a God who is with me through my storm and is running to help me, even if I currently fail to perceive it)?

So I stopped.

How else should I pray then?

As I asked that question,

I felt a new spirit take over me,

"I know that you will help me. I know that you will see me to the end of this. I know I will graduate. I know I will make it. I know You are the God of the impossible, and You are God who is helping me."

I asked to have a faith like Abraham - one that goes beyond understanding and physical assurances,

Grounded only in who God is.

Perhaps this is His answered prayer to me.

Perhaps this is what it means to praise Him in the storm.

Perhaps, just perhaps, all these things are happening to protect me from a darker kind of danger that my God sees. 

I will finish this. 

I don't know how.
I am very tired.
I am constantly dejected, like now.

But I know I will. 

Because You will see to it, and help me at every step of the way. 

Psalm 121

"I lift up my eyes to the mountains—where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip—he who watches over you will not slumber;

indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you—the Lord is your shade at your right hand;

the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm—he will watch over your life;

the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore."

Praise You in This Storm - Casting Crowns