A Test on Forgiveness

By Pat Pagulayan

Whoever said following God is a piece of cake must be hallucinating.

So far, my faith journey towards Him has been a rollercoaster ride. Probably the most exhilarating, nerve-wrecking, mind-blowing ride I have ever taken in my life, hands down! This journey has broken me and mended me over and over again. It has made me question myself, my family, and even God Himself. It has made me feel a myriad of things that I don’t even know that I am capable of feeling. It has brought me so much sadness and sorrow, as well as joy and peace, and I am loving every minute of it.

The last 24 hours has unexpectedly been a difficult one, for reasons that I am still trying to comprehend.

The day started beautifully with a confession wherein the priest prayed for three things for me: patience, humility, and charity. I guess I have underestimated how powerful prayers are. Little did I know that these three values are going to be put to test so soon, and I guess I was unprepared for it. But actually, I find that sometimes, it’s good to be unprepared, because the lessons learned penetrate deeper in an unprotected heart.

That test came with a grand entrance that I was so appalled that even now, I still find the turn of events unbelievable. I guess I have never been hurt by someone I consider a friend in such a short amount of time. I was so hurt that this same friend has put me in a situation wherein I have to make a very logical and drastic decision.

So I prayed and asked God for counsel to do what is right. And the answer I got is probably one of the hardest thing I had to do as of yet (well, I guess aside from overcoming my fear of confession).

“Forgive and give another chance.”

And so there I was just sitting, still in disbelief, and being my stubborn self, trying to argue.

I guess my “yes Lord” was actually we a “yes Lord, but…”

Ah, faith. To trust fully in God and His plans, ideally without question. But well, I’m still working on the questioning part. You see, God has given me an inquisitive mind that sometimes brings me more stress and hinders my trust in Him.

Eventually, a heartfelt “yes” finally came out of my mouth.

After that, I was expecting to sleep well and be in peace knowing that it is the right decision. But when I found myself awake, uneasy, and disturbed at 3am, I began questioning if it was really Him who’s telling me that, because since I’ve started going back to Him, one of the main issues I’ve had is not being able to discern His voice: is it really Him, or is it just my own head telling me those things? Or worse, is it coming from the devil? It has been a struggle for me and one of the most common thing I ask other people. I remember being told that when it comes from Him, you will feel at peace. I was like, where is the peace right now as I roll around the bed feeling so bothered and uneasy? As I discovered later on, it is different for everyone - a custom-made, personally modified, faith journey.

And so I woke up feeling very drained and decided to stick to my “logical” decision. I just felt so stressed, so tired, and emotionally drained, so I went to church early to pray.

And once again, that voice rung inside me head,

“Forgive and give another chance.”

Deep inside I know what I should do, but my mind finds it very difficult to do God’s will.

“How many times have I provided people to be there for you, even during the times when you didn’t think you needed a friend?”

I felt humbled. So humbled that I just started crying, thanking God for humbling me. If other people saw me, they would have thought I’ve lost my mind.

For He is right. During the times I was at my lowest, during those times when I felt alone, there were always people who were there for me. Some of them kept me sane, some of them listened, and there were the blessed few who brought me closer to Him. God has always provided me with a friend.

And how many times has God given me another chance when I have failed to do the right thing, when I have made a fool of myself, when I have hurt other people? Countless.

Forgiveness is not an easy thing to do, but with God’s grace, it is possible.

There is a thing called justice as well.

Even if wrongdoings have been forgiven and forgotten, does not mean there are no repercussions to those actions. Growth entails change, and change may require discipline. Tolerance of wrongdoings won’t help anyone grow to become better versions of ourselves. In saying so, I guess justice has to be delivered with compassion as well.

So I did what He told me: to forgive and give my friend another chance.

And then the most amazing thing happened. After doing what He asked me to, that was when I felt peace.

I felt happy. I felt light. At peace.

I guess sometimes you just have to jump without holding back to find what you were looking for. I guess that in my case, it’s not just saying “yes” to God that you experience peace, but rather, it is in doing His will that you get to experience peace after.

This has been a test of trust, doing His will, even when everything else seems to be pointing the other direction.

Ah, the beauty of faith. Trust Him and He’ll show you.