Reflection

By Mario Wahyu Prabowo

re·flec·tion [ri-flek-shuh]
 1.       the act of reflecting or the state of being reflected.
2.       an image; representation; counterpart.
3.       a fixing of the thoughts on something; careful consideration.
4.       a thought occurring in consideration or meditation.

This is probably the first reflection that I have ever made. I am usually not a writing person, but just for today I feel like writing what I am feeling at the moment.

This week has not been the best one for me, especially when I compare it with last week. I still can remember how I felt last week, being so joyful and full of spirit. Singing praise to the Lord made me feel so alive and I felt like He was really there and guided me to the path that He has chosen for me. The spirit filled my heart with the burning desire to serve Him, to be His hands and feet on the earth, and to share His joy with other people, especially those who really need it.

However, this week I have been feeling so dry. I still can feel Him, but it’s like His presence is getting much weaker compared to before. I feel like there is a distance between me and Him, and the joy that was there isn’t really there anymore. Going to worship night and talking to people didn’t seem to help as well. I wonder why.

Then I started thinking, maybe something has changed within me, maybe I have forgotten something important, and maybe it is time for me to go back to the very fundamental of my faith and my ministry, and start reflecting over it again. As soon as I thought of that, a few bible verses came to my mind one by one (although I didn’t remember the details. I had to google and reread them again afterwards). Reading all the verses gave me a few thought, and I would like to think that these thoughts of mine came from the Holy Spirit as the answer to all of my questions above (in fact, maybe even my “dry period” was so that I could arrive to these thoughts as well, who knows?). As I came to this realization, I felt a strong urge to share these thoughts of mine with others (which is unusual for me, as I have mentioned above) and if you can read this, it means that it is truly God’s will for me to share this, as I prayed to the Holy Spirit, “let it be done to me according to Your words”. 

The first verse that came into my mind was the first letter of Saint Paul to the Corinthians about the gift of love (1 Corinthians 13). It is about how important love is in everything that we do, and if love is not there then everything we do is meaningless and empty, even if we are doing what Jesus told us to do in the bible or sacrificing ourselves for others. I experienced myself how empty it felt when I was bringing my singing to God as an offering but there was no love in it (because I was preoccupied with the music stuffs, scared of making mistakes, trying to remember the notes, etc.) so I really know how important love is in every ministry that we do and how dangerous it is when we forget about it. That’s why when my prayer life felt so dry, the first question that came to my mind was: “Is there love in everything that I do? Have I been putting love as my reason and my purpose in my interactions with God and others? Or have I just been thinking of my interactions with them as part of my routines and as things I have to do without really putting my feelings into it?”. My brothers and sisters, I really regret why I didn’t ask these questions to myself more often, why I didn’t ask myself every day, as I might have wasted my days by trying to do all things for God and others without love. But I believe everything is a part of God’s plan, and He knows when the best time to reveal His goodness is, so my regret is futile. But please, pray for me, so that I will remember to ask myself these questions every day, in the hope that I can always put love in everything that I do for God and for others, and I pray the same thing for you too.

Then came the second verse, which is about the poor widow who gave what was worthless in the eyes of humans but plentiful in the eyes of God (Mark 12: 41-44). I thought to myself: “It is not about doing the big things, but doing everything, small or big, with big love! (Yes, this is from Mother Theresa, not my own words)”. It is when we are giving our all, despite our circumstances, that our offerings will be pleasing for God. We are supposed to be fruitful, and our gifts are meant to be grown, not just stay the same (which is the third verse that came to my mind, Matthew 25: 14-30). I remember when I did the visit to one of the detention centres for refugees in Melbourne. Among all the sour and hopeless faces, I saw a guy with a bright face and a great joy. He greeted me and gave me a magazine for the refugees, with his name as the editor on it, so I thought he was a staff there. How amazed I was, when I found out that he was also one of the refugees there, and he has been staying there for quite a while, probably years. He didn’t look depressed at all, or at least he tried not to, but instead he decided to lift up the spirit of his mates there by making the magazine for the refugees, so that they can have something to read, learn or just to get the news from outside. When I first saw the magazine, it looked so ugly with the low-quality printing and I was planning to throw it away once I got out of the place. But now, I can’t believe how beautiful that magazine looks to me (I still keep it nicely in my apartment). True, it still looks cheap, but just thinking of how much efforts he has put into it with very limited resources and facilities, I can’t help but admiring it. Faith, hope and love? This guy has all of them, even more! His faith to God reminds me of Joseph, the son of Jacob from the Genesis, and after that meeting, I thought to myself: “This guy is so full of joy, which must have come from the Lord. That’s it! That’s the kind of faith, hope and love I want to have! That’s the kind of Catholic I want to become!”. It was a starting point for me, the moment when I began to find out what I want to do in my life and what is God’s calling to me. May I never forget this, to do things with great love, to give my all despite my situations, and in doing so that I will multiply God’s gifts to me so that my life will be fruitful. And more importantly, everything is for God’s glory.

The next verse that came to my mind is Mark 12: 28-34, about the most important commandment. Jesus said love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength, and you shall love your neighbour as yourself. The scribe agreed with everything, to love God with all the heart, with all the understanding (mind), and with all the strength, and to love neighbour as yourself. I have read this verse so many times, and it’s one of my favourites. But this time, something caught my attention. I noticed how the scribe didn’t repeat “love your God with all your soul”, and how Jesus said to him “you are not far from the kingdom of God”. Not far! Means he’s not there yet.

Now, I want to share my understanding of this (yes, everything from here on is just my view), and I believe that the understanding came from the Holy Spirit, but if I am wrong, then by all means please correct me J. With all the heart (feeling of love), with all the understanding (mind, theological knowledge), and with all the strength (actions), but without all the soul, then it is not perfect yet. So what did Jesus mean by “all your soul” then? Well, you remember the worship night I mentioned above? I said it didn’t really help with my situation, but actually there is something that I really remember from that night. It is when the guest speaker talked about “being an image of God”. It is not an action, it is not a feeling, it is not a thought, but it is about “being”. It is about a state. It’s like it’s a part of you, something you feel natural with, something that defines you. Then I tried to link it with my previous thought, and I came to a conclusion: that’s what Jesus meant by “all your soul”! Loving God with all your soul is about being an image of God itself, to truly represent God on the earth, to reflect God’s love, joy, and peace. It is about surrendering ourselves completely to God, to let His will be done on us and to follow His way. This is what we are called to (Matthew 5: 13-14, about being the salt and light to the world) and this is how we can enter the kingdom of God. So my next question is, how do we reach that state? Well, again, this is just based on my understanding, but I think Jesus has given a hint already. He said: “You are not far from the kingdom of God”. See how there is no “but” there? We know Jesus spoke only the truth and he didn’t hide anything from us (John 15:15), so doesn’t this mean that the scribe’s response was already good and he just needed to keep going? So I thought: “then in order to reach the state of ‘being God’s image’, I will need to keep doing the other three first (feeling, knowledge and act of love), then those will become a part of me naturally and I can truly become God’s image on the earth, as humans were meant to be in the first place, and by being so, we can truly love others just as we love ourselves”. It is not easy, but I believe it is the way, and that is what I am meant to do from now on. That’s why I really need all your prayers at the moment, and I will also pray for you all, so that we can be His hands and feet on earth, that we can answer His call to us in our lives and that all of us can be true God’s image, just as He meant us to be in the first place. And lastly, I want you to pray so that I can always have the humility as the Lord’s servant, for I am truly unworthy and what I can do and what I know are so limited, but He made me worthy, and He will give me everything I need to answer His call. For I am saved not because I am worthy, but because Jesus has died for me on the cross. He gave me grace not because I have done anything worthy of it, but because He is the loving God.

Sorry for the long read, but I am really glad that I can share this with you, my brothers and sisters in Christ. Lastly, please listen to this song as well. This is the song that was playing in my head at the same time those verses came to my mind, and also the song that I was listening to while writing this reflection. Hopefully God will touch your heart with this song, as He has touched mine.