By Pat Pagulayan
When I was (accidentally) chosen to be cell group leader, I was quite hesitant. If there is one thing I have learned from my past, it is that leadership brought out the worst in me, not just once, twice, or thrice, but a LOT of times. It was so bad and repetitive that I have been avoiding taking leadership roles for 10 years now. So when I was asked to lead cell group, all I could think of was “uh-oh, I can’t mess up this time, not with my spiritual family, not with StAY”.
And so I did what a confused and doubtful woman would do: I prayed about it. And in my prayer my Lord told me that whatever happens, He will walk with Me. And that was all I need to know.
As I look back at it now, I guess He was trying to tell me that this is not high school; this is my spiritual family, and thus, I should not be afraid. He provided me with the best place to overcome my doubts and fears, to change my ways under the guidance of the fellowship that we have. It is the classroom to learn how to get along with others (which I’m very poor at), to unlearn selfishness, to share the experiences of others, and to practice love. God has given me another opportunity to learn how to be a leader by first being a servant, to learn how to put myself last.
I feel so blessed and grateful to God that He introduced these people to my life. I am especially grateful to God for my spiritual mentor, who has re-introduced the Father into my life and still painstakingly walks with me in my journey. He has tolerated my qualms, bitterness, obsession, mood-swings, anger, immaturity, questions, doubts, craziness, and childish ways (among others). I still don’t know how he does it. God’s grace, he always tells me.
Honestly, I find myself very dependent on these people spiritually. It sometimes makes me feel sad because I feel so inadequate not being able to stand up with my own two feet. Some of them are even younger than me, but they are the ones who are guiding me. It makes me wish that I should have known God earlier in my life (instead of living in sin) so I would be more mature in my faith by now. But nothing is ever late in God’s time.
I was talking to one of my StAY sisters about how bluntly we can tell each other off and not take it in a bad way. Unlike my earthly friendships, when one of us goes against the other or tells another off, it’s definitely “friendship’s over”. Back then, it’s “either you’re with me or against me”. It just makes me laugh reminiscing how shallow my perception of friendship was.
With the spiritual family I have here, they are brutally honest with me, even to the point that I would feel very hurt and cry. But I know that they do it, not because they want to condemn me or put me down, but because they love me and they only want the best for me – to be the person that God wants me to be.
It is through these men and women that I feel God’s love for me (among His other ways).
When I was (accidentally) chosen to be cell group leader, I was quite hesitant. If there is one thing I have learned from my past, it is that leadership brought out the worst in me, not just once, twice, or thrice, but a LOT of times. It was so bad and repetitive that I have been avoiding taking leadership roles for 10 years now. So when I was asked to lead cell group, all I could think of was “uh-oh, I can’t mess up this time, not with my spiritual family, not with StAY”.
And so I did what a confused and doubtful woman would do: I prayed about it. And in my prayer my Lord told me that whatever happens, He will walk with Me. And that was all I need to know.
As I look back at it now, I guess He was trying to tell me that this is not high school; this is my spiritual family, and thus, I should not be afraid. He provided me with the best place to overcome my doubts and fears, to change my ways under the guidance of the fellowship that we have. It is the classroom to learn how to get along with others (which I’m very poor at), to unlearn selfishness, to share the experiences of others, and to practice love. God has given me another opportunity to learn how to be a leader by first being a servant, to learn how to put myself last.
I feel so blessed and grateful to God that He introduced these people to my life. I am especially grateful to God for my spiritual mentor, who has re-introduced the Father into my life and still painstakingly walks with me in my journey. He has tolerated my qualms, bitterness, obsession, mood-swings, anger, immaturity, questions, doubts, craziness, and childish ways (among others). I still don’t know how he does it. God’s grace, he always tells me.
Honestly, I find myself very dependent on these people spiritually. It sometimes makes me feel sad because I feel so inadequate not being able to stand up with my own two feet. Some of them are even younger than me, but they are the ones who are guiding me. It makes me wish that I should have known God earlier in my life (instead of living in sin) so I would be more mature in my faith by now. But nothing is ever late in God’s time.
I was talking to one of my StAY sisters about how bluntly we can tell each other off and not take it in a bad way. Unlike my earthly friendships, when one of us goes against the other or tells another off, it’s definitely “friendship’s over”. Back then, it’s “either you’re with me or against me”. It just makes me laugh reminiscing how shallow my perception of friendship was.
With the spiritual family I have here, they are brutally honest with me, even to the point that I would feel very hurt and cry. But I know that they do it, not because they want to condemn me or put me down, but because they love me and they only want the best for me – to be the person that God wants me to be.
It is through these men and women that I feel God’s love for me (among His other ways).
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